Rhod Gilbert on BBC Radio Wales.

If you are listening to this, you are listening to Rhod Gilbert's Best Bits, some of the best bits of my Saturday morning radio show, live on BBC Radio Wales.

Welcome. It's, uh, 10 ... is it? No. It's 11:07. The BBC Wales' clock ... that the producer put in front of me ... is an hour out. ... Uh ... now then, who's on the show today? I can tell you 'cause I'm sitting opposite __ Mr. Tom Wrigglesworth / 037 100 1 10 / is the number to ring / I don't know what / about / just ring / talk to the ... uh ... / Captain Features is here, though. / always / something to phone in about. / If you are a regular listener to this show / that's not ... that's not another character / com__,  called Captain Features. Tom is referring to himself / change / his costume, with a big "F" (Feature) on the front, often mistaken ... uh ... / Captain Features __ __ __ himself ... Tom Wrigglesworth / often, you know / whenever / the show / from London / kitchen / co-hosts ... if they turn up, in the case of Barry Castagnola / ここへ来るアシスタントは皆、 ... 来ればの話だが ... 特にバリー・カスタニョーラは要注意だ ... 皆、それぞれ持ち味がある。 / uh ... and, uh ... everyone's different. Everyone brings their own / everyone brings / is / you always bring a nice little feature for us, something / teeth into / I had one last week. It was a disaster. / Was it? / Last week's disaster was, uh, just / take / I think / what's the best / tiny little feeling in the world", because I ... I cried, emerging from hangover / best feeling I've ever had / just being back to normal / that's / micro emotion? / A micro emotion / Yes. See? / Captain Features / you get it. Listeners, nothing. Uh ... Tom, you said, uh, you call yourself Captain Features, Um, uh ... what is ... / bring your own jingle? ... What is, uh ... what is / little feature / to / never short of  / never short of / if / I think you / all / feature / you're Captain Features, you're never short of features ...  / yeah / and yet we still haven't got one / turning into / how long have you studied / something / there we are. That's today's feature / 何かができる、と豪語した後、いつまでそれをせずに持ちこたえられるか？ それが今日のお題。 / how long have you / how / away with it? / OK. What's your feature? / I'm in the middle of a, uh ... Twitter-storm / Do you want to describe / Twitter-storm / you know / Radio Wales listeners / many of them / internet / it's not like / smoke / no way / whether / it is on ... on __ social networking site such as Twitter, uh, where people / others are available, of course. / they are not / that / They are, they are, Tom. They just don't exist. / __ ... __ ... either way, right, I got ... I got / look / I have a passing resemblance to this, um, very famous quater-back / called A__ __ / somebody pointed this out / on the internet / Yeah, exactly /  saw me on some TV thing, and then / tweeted that / It went global? / twitter-storm / America / did it? / yeah, that is / consequently, I then made a short video, um, called "A__ __, where do you think you're from?" uh, which, uh / (en)__tour in Yorkshire / I played every character / little film / swap jobs / DIY / q__ / I know them / yeah / so, I challenged him to be a standup for five minutes if I / quarter-back for five minutes / on / A__ Rogers / he / contacted you? / people / No. He just / direct / message me on twitter / with / your people / anyway, uh, uh, we are not sure what's gonna happen with all that yet, but, um ... / What? / you might / I / think / a lot easier for him to become ... / yeah, __ __ __, break. I will just / I can't see you / how old are you now? / 37. / 37. / Yeah. I'm not gonna walk away from American football / what do you / 11 stone / question / No, I don't. / How tall? ... You don't do any exercise. / No. ... I swim a bit. / Your only concession, as far as I see, to ... to ... / to / pro-league top-level fitness / you smoke e-cigarettes. / Yeah / this / at least I smoke / proper / do / I / you may have to be a quarter-back / play / I don't think the fans would accept it / that's not / a lot money at stake / let / who's that / 6 f__ 4 / 11 stone / chicken-like freak's just wobbled on / uh ... so, you might have to ... / that's amazing / got / I've got a similar story, which I'm sure I've /  regular listeners / did have a doppelganger / the guy / front page / oh, the back page / of / BT phonebook / hilarious. / That freaked me out. Still does. / phone-book / every time I / double take / I don't remember / advert / おかしいなあ。電話帳の裏表紙のモデルの仕事なんかやったかなあ。 / anyway / got / American one / I've got __ American one / Rod Gilbert is a Canadian ice_y player, massive. ... I think / New York Rangers / some / most ... you know / Joe D__ of / New York / M__ Comedy Festival / I was introduced on stage as Rod Gilbert, ... / Wow. / ... and the crowd went / and / outcome / outcame ... a Welsh comedian / 観衆はカナダのホッケーのヒーロー、ロッド・ジルベールだと思って大いにわいたが、登場したのはウェールズのコメディアン、ロッド・ギルバート ... / for two years / London circuit / entertain / a bunch of people / expecting their hero / ice hockey legend Rod Gilbert / twitter / no way around it / he / and stuff, and people are constantly tweeting him, saying / I did enjoy / countdown last night / で、ロッド・ジルベールのファンがツイッターで彼に言うんだよ。「昨日は面白かったです」って。

Tom / about time / feature / now / quite some time / well / trying / collection of porcelain / No, you haven't / well / I didn't need you ... I didn't even / I don't believe you / collection / porcelain anything / I / haven't / I've got access to, right? / got / I see / you've got access / access / collection of porcelain horses, mate / well / this is / we / this bunch of porcelain horses / who / inherited from? / My granny / sorry to laugh / that's awful. I'm really sorry  to hear about your granny / she lived a ... a wonderful, ... an exciting life / the thing is, right, / able / was / or anything / and, uh ... I found out recently that the only reason that I got them / kind / he bought the first one back when he was / when they were young couple / the only reason he bought it / broken it in a shop / so, she had to buy it? / she had to buy it, yeah / a little ironic collection / before / yeah / generation / did it become a proper collection? / or / never lose sight of / irony / spirit behind it / irony / just because / then / and then, 70 years later, when they both / didn't pass on / actually a massive joke / work anyway / how did you find out / my mom knew / but / have you ever done that / only because / broken it, yeah. / lucky / I don't think I have ever bought something / launching / feature / I'm not convinced by it / jot it down / jot it down / have you ever bought a porcelain horse ... / obviously / because you broke ... because you broke it / I mean anything / porcelain horse/something else / yeah / only because / break / I don't think / I'm gonna ... I'm gonna / last week I thought / what's the best micro emotion you've ever had?" I thought / take off. ... Nothing. Nothing. The phone / silent / I thought it was a perfectly good feature. ... You know / get / that kind of stuff / let's / didn't work last week / get involved / that one / you always / that is not true. That is not true / give you another go / second feature / slipped in before, really / specifically, then / I / the other day / Lucy / was / someone I've known for a while / always called her Lucy  / normally / tries to / tries to / Catherine / last night / who / hang on a minute. Hang on a minute ... Let me clarify the situation / real life / you / wrong name for ages / Ages. / never / correct you / straight away / guy / you call her Lucy all the time / guy / gig / how long / two years / how often / problem / every fortnight / it's not, you know / every months or something like that / really / that / that / should be getting that / if / every two weeks for two years / after a year, or a year and a half / shoud start thinking / guy / at / gig / last night / second feature / mistaken for something / for ages / never / yesterday / talking about / away / London accent / but anyway, he / every day / g__ mate, g__ mate, g__ mate / uh, and, after months and months and months / why ... why / I thought / Australian / but / you know / but, for ages / never / have you been mistaken / despite / corrected / your feature / convinced by that one either / you / feature C /

now then / Tom / Rhod's Coffee Morning / his features so far / nothing / slow burners / slow burners / paper / lots of things / from sheds / week / I don't know, mate. but / who would do this? Who would do this? Two tortoises. ... No, four tortoises / sorry / know / no / here / over 80 years old, all four of them / stolen from a shed / is that a targeted thing / it can't be like / planning it for 70 years / not funny / it's awful. Who would ... / got them, come on, give them back / plea / walk / home / very old / how old / if I was / live / quite young, probably / whole life ahead of them / prime / four young tortoise__ / about / now / talking about / now then / leaf-blowers / do you want that? / barbecue / even / you wouldn't go / a few aging tortoise__ / as well / bag / thing / the lawn mower / crime / you think / taken / hostages? / you say / laughing / say / with a little wry smirk / look / clever / clever / couldn't possibly / make / well / you / before / five to eleven / time / like / no choice / light / papers / dog / that / main witness / absolutely / no. In a murder trial. / main / main / witness / this / America / no / I'm gonna / dig / minute / main / sort / reacted in a certain way / I'm gonna ... I'm gonna / minute / I think ... I think / judge / speech / make / because / we are not confident / not sure / dogs follow / of / christian / what / let / decide / massively / decide / he's not / judge / main / point / back / smug / human superiority thing / it's absolutely / isn't / George O__l book / why would he lie?

from / somebody / location / think / is / I used to call a guy in __ pub / John / called / dave / Only Fools and Horses kind of way / someone else in the group / due / eventually / David / Hi, Rhod. / worked / last nine years / one / geography / never corrected her. Is it too late? / surely / notice / calling you / name / door / wouldn't / in schools / briefcases / surely you / that's amazing / 9 / taken / Captain Features / speak / tom / son / work / boss / all / so / responded to the name Ivan / as / someone / enjoying / do that / just / correct / new job / please welcome / new / team / Keith /

hi / my laptop / as the fan is broken / overcome / window / it cool / neighbour / try / top tip / you do know about / summer / picnick / freezer / laptop / yeah / is that wise? / ideal / check / thermo settings / did / advice / put / freezer / laptop / for a laugh / a few years ago / yes / witness / right / black belt geeks / doing / problem / phrase / reason / giga / so much to do with / whatever / interesting / sentence / computer chips / they / it / pouring / normal / processor / need / lovely / whatever / guy / ten / could / cooled / needs / liquid / back / hanging / window / technology show / voice recognition / movement / people / one / sat / drill bits / ドリルビットを売ってる奴がいてさ ... / really / proper / this / tile / metal / brick / come / afternoon / cucumber /

feature / have to say / Captain / Captain / shirt / goods / this one / about / guest / for the day / sports car / nothing more to say / equivalent / phone / on the TV / know / need to get out more / subject / names / year / whilest / police / a new recruit / officers / which we thought was "Garry" / after / working / laughs / confidence grew / spoke up to tell us his name was "Barry" / the problem was / Barry / team / therefore / barry-garry / our safety is in the hands / people / lives / take / statement / avoid confusion / eight / original Barry / long left / cardiff / own / Valentine's Day / competing with Rhod / come / call him / radio / have a Joke-Off / steven / sorry / trying / own / mind / usual / as / worked / email / just / confessional / mode / as / worked / local / every / day / local / until / noticed / missing / where / was / all / one / haven't / over / bear / bear

now / got / light / tom / back / first / more / really / mind / windower / turned / 104 / put / being / widow / very / no / he / wife / completely / well / main / bananas / go / make / two / yeah / two / put / seven / all / pun / intended / work / local / interviewed / smith / strange / why / middle / name / wrote / all / through / wrong / name / sorry / understand / replied / did / no / thinking / who / laughing / why / why / name / robert / possible / circumstances / when / years / address / underscore / example / paul / paul_smith / giving /email / heard / busy / email / p / peat / p / paul / paul / hi / sarcastically / doctor / just / yeah / show / off / would / doctor / shouting / roof / standing / great / once / patient / strange / nurse / confused / happily / loved / spell / spelled / which / myself / loved / pronounced / name / from / can / be / true / can't / so / much / before / except / young / correct / make / children / adults / not / some / ago / mistakes / about / literally / local / chap / one / smith / smith / doubt / black / local / inteview / front / arther /

if / why / rhod / bbc / 11

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